Worst Chrismas ever

Yesterday was Chrismas day and I drove 3 hours to Segamat to see Emily. That was to be the 1st time in 2 years that I will get to see Emily. I'm not sure whether I will get to see her in the first place because Emily's uncle (her mumm'ys big brother) wanted to see me to discuss certain things. I was not allowed to go near their house. So we met in MaryBrown in the town. I choose this restaurant because it was Emily's favourite last time and I had good memories with Emily there.

One thing that still burnt in my mind is when Emily looks at me and asked me

"Daddy, do you know which is the worst Chrismas?"

I asked which Chrismas.

"This year."

"Why?"

"Because why mummy choose to die during Chrismas?"

I couldn't look at Emily when she ask me tells me. My 8 year old daughter just lost her mummy. I've just signed my divorce paper on 16th October 2008. Its not even 3 months and now she has passed away. I gave up all my rights for Emily because I had locked in this mess for so long. Someone has to give in and I did. The conditions were not fair to me at all but I accepted it. I think that no matter how bad she is , she is still Emily mother and will provide the best for her. But now, she has left Emily all alone without her mummy. I don't want Emily to feel that she has lost her father too.

I received the call from Emily's uncle on 24th Dec 2008. I was driving home from work that day. The details were sketchy but he said she died in an accident. He keep saying she has passed away and don't want to talk about how she died. At that point, I've already guessed that she might not died in an accident[. How could she left Emily just like that? Everythings has to be her way and even to give up the right to see Emily was her wish. Now that she has got what she wanted, what has she really achieved?

I was in shocked. I called back Emily's uncle to check on how is Emily. Thank god she is ok. But at that time, I didn't know the half story yet. Their family is still adamant to keep Emily away from me. Keeping Emily in their family and fulfilling her sister's wish - that was what he said. In my anger, I told him no matter what, I'm still Emily's daddy and I gave up Emily in the hope that her mummy will take good care of her. Now that she is gone, I will fight back for her.. Little did I know that this is another big mistake.

ML always I acted rash. I admit this but how could I think straight when it comes to Emily? Haven't Emily suffered enough? What have I done to deserve this? I did not abondon my family. I never abuse Emily mummy or Emily. In fact, any other man that has gone though what I did would have acted so much differently. I always believe in karma. Do good and good things will return to you. Do bad and it will haunt you 10 times worst.

Later when I cooled down a bit, I messaged Emily uncle and said that I want to pray her mummy. I really do because she was still Emily's mummy and I was married to her once. I hoped that her family will be reasonalble enough to let me see Emily. I've missed her so much.

That evening, I cried. I tried not to tell ML about all this because she will be unhappy whenever anything invovled that women is mentioned. I cried not because I still love Emily's mother but because I pity her. She fought so hard for everything and she got it. In the end, what did she really achieved? Seperate Emily from her daddy? Did she find her own happiness? And I remember she said that she want to see Emily grow up, watch Emily get married. And now, this happened.

I've already suspected that it was not an accident the first when I heard it. I know she has been under a lot of stress. I myself thought about taking my own life many times but didn't have the courage or reason to do it. That why I've try to keep myself busy with activities. ML certainly helped to support me. I knew she is not working and her relationship with Max is not good. She left me for Max - a Denmark citizen who is much older 50-60+. And the guy is still married.
I did not abondon my family. She left me but I was painted as a monster.

I tried to call Max to get some details but all I can gather is he is overseas with his wife. Still can celebrate Chrismas. Emily mummy has said that Max will leave his wife for her. After 5 years, everybody lose and the worst hit is Emily. That another reason I cried that day, thinking about Emily without mother. Emily don't deserve this.