Yesterday was Chrismas day and I drove 3 hours to Segamat to see Emily. That was to be the 1st time in 2 years that I will get to see Emily. I'm not sure whether I will get to see her in the first place because Emily's uncle (her mumm'ys big brother) wanted to see me to discuss certain things. I was not allowed to go near their house. So we met in MaryBrown in the town. I choose this restaurant because it was Emily's favourite last time and I had good memories with Emily there.
One thing that still burnt in my mind is when Emily looks at me and asked me
"Daddy, do you know which is the worst Chrismas?"
I asked which Chrismas.
"This year."
"Why?"
"Because why mummy choose to die during Chrismas?"
I couldn't look at Emily when she ask me tells me. My 8 year old daughter just lost her mummy. I've just signed my divorce paper on 16th October 2008. Its not even 3 months and now she has passed away. I gave up all my rights for Emily because I had locked in this mess for so long. Someone has to give in and I did. The conditions were not fair to me at all but I accepted it. I think that no matter how bad she is , she is still Emily mother and will provide the best for her. But now, she has left Emily all alone without her mummy. I don't want Emily to feel that she has lost her father too.
I received the call from Emily's uncle on 24th Dec 2008. I was driving home from work that day. The details were sketchy but he said she died in an accident. He keep saying she has passed away and don't want to talk about how she died. At that point, I've already guessed that she might not died in an accident[. How could she left Emily just like that? Everythings has to be her way and even to give up the right to see Emily was her wish. Now that she has got what she wanted, what has she really achieved?
I was in shocked. I called back Emily's uncle to check on how is Emily. Thank god she is ok. But at that time, I didn't know the half story yet. Their family is still adamant to keep Emily away from me. Keeping Emily in their family and fulfilling her sister's wish - that was what he said. In my anger, I told him no matter what, I'm still Emily's daddy and I gave up Emily in the hope that her mummy will take good care of her. Now that she is gone, I will fight back for her.. Little did I know that this is another big mistake.
ML always I acted rash. I admit this but how could I think straight when it comes to Emily? Haven't Emily suffered enough? What have I done to deserve this? I did not abondon my family. I never abuse Emily mummy or Emily. In fact, any other man that has gone though what I did would have acted so much differently. I always believe in karma. Do good and good things will return to you. Do bad and it will haunt you 10 times worst.
Later when I cooled down a bit, I messaged Emily uncle and said that I want to pray her mummy. I really do because she was still Emily's mummy and I was married to her once. I hoped that her family will be reasonalble enough to let me see Emily. I've missed her so much.
That evening, I cried. I tried not to tell ML about all this because she will be unhappy whenever anything invovled that women is mentioned. I cried not because I still love Emily's mother but because I pity her. She fought so hard for everything and she got it. In the end, what did she really achieved? Seperate Emily from her daddy? Did she find her own happiness? And I remember she said that she want to see Emily grow up, watch Emily get married. And now, this happened.
I've already suspected that it was not an accident the first when I heard it. I know she has been under a lot of stress. I myself thought about taking my own life many times but didn't have the courage or reason to do it. That why I've try to keep myself busy with activities. ML certainly helped to support me. I knew she is not working and her relationship with Max is not good. She left me for Max - a Denmark citizen who is much older 50-60+. And the guy is still married.
I did not abondon my family. She left me but I was painted as a monster.
I tried to call Max to get some details but all I can gather is he is overseas with his wife. Still can celebrate Chrismas. Emily mummy has said that Max will leave his wife for her. After 5 years, everybody lose and the worst hit is Emily. That another reason I cried that day, thinking about Emily without mother. Emily don't deserve this.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Daddy had everything he wished for.
I thought it was all over. I was left with no choice but to give up Emily to her mother. The divorce has been going on for more than 5 years. And I have not seen or talked to Emily for 2 years. I always wonder how can a mother be so cruel to separate her child from her daddy. And until today, I still cannot understand what was the thing that I've done that is so bad to deserve this.
I married Emily's mummy when I was 26 in 1999. We went out for 1 1/2 years before decide to get married. I thought I was ready. Some people would say I'm too young but I already had most of the things people still never had late in their life. I had a stable carreer, easy job with good pay, I own a house and 2 car. I bought one for Emily's mummy. I had to sacrifice lots of things to achieve that but for me, it was worth it. Deep down, providing for the family is the most important thing. Later when I got married and had Emily, I had everything I wanted. A family.
I know if my current girlfriend - ML reads or knows about this she will be not happy. But I cannot ask for anything more than she understand why I need to write all this down.
Looking back at when I was 26, I was a complete nerd. I never gone clubbing, drinking or smoking. Spent most of my free time at home and save up my money. Some people will say I'm a miser - in fact many has but I earned it and I don't intend to splurge it for something unnecessary.
I was really happy when Emily was born. I had my doubts when Emily was born because I'm not sure whether I can provide the best for her. My biggest mistake in my life was to leave Emily with her grandmother to take care. Things would have turned out differently if I took care of Emily from young. That time, Emily grandfather (her mummy's father) passed away not too long ago. Her mummy convinced me to leave her there so that there will be someone to take care of Emily's grandma. I even hired a maid which was to take care of Emily and I left them. Her grandma is a teacher and in due respect, she has thought Emily well. Emily's English and grammer is outstanding. Until today, I'm still amazed at her English. Hardly any grammer mistake and the choice of words is good.
But good things never seems to last and things started to go downhill.
I married Emily's mummy when I was 26 in 1999. We went out for 1 1/2 years before decide to get married. I thought I was ready. Some people would say I'm too young but I already had most of the things people still never had late in their life. I had a stable carreer, easy job with good pay, I own a house and 2 car. I bought one for Emily's mummy. I had to sacrifice lots of things to achieve that but for me, it was worth it. Deep down, providing for the family is the most important thing. Later when I got married and had Emily, I had everything I wanted. A family.
I know if my current girlfriend - ML reads or knows about this she will be not happy. But I cannot ask for anything more than she understand why I need to write all this down.
Looking back at when I was 26, I was a complete nerd. I never gone clubbing, drinking or smoking. Spent most of my free time at home and save up my money. Some people will say I'm a miser - in fact many has but I earned it and I don't intend to splurge it for something unnecessary.
I was really happy when Emily was born. I had my doubts when Emily was born because I'm not sure whether I can provide the best for her. My biggest mistake in my life was to leave Emily with her grandmother to take care. Things would have turned out differently if I took care of Emily from young. That time, Emily grandfather (her mummy's father) passed away not too long ago. Her mummy convinced me to leave her there so that there will be someone to take care of Emily's grandma. I even hired a maid which was to take care of Emily and I left them. Her grandma is a teacher and in due respect, she has thought Emily well. Emily's English and grammer is outstanding. Until today, I'm still amazed at her English. Hardly any grammer mistake and the choice of words is good.
But good things never seems to last and things started to go downhill.
Black to Grey to White
I'm Emily's daddy. From the first day Emily can speak, she has called me daddy. In fact, that was the first word she said. Da Da. Normally, baby will call their mummy first - ma ma, but I was the one she called first. I was really happy that I was there to see her speak the 1st word - Dada.
I'm 35 this year and Emily is 8 - born in the year of dragon. People always say that children born in the year of dragon is special. At first I did not believe this but seeing Emily now, I believe it. She is very smart and observant. And she is very obedient. Much more mature than a 8 year old. Everytime I think of Emily, a whole range of emotion swept over me. No child deserve to go through what she has gone through. But I don't know how she is feeling. On the outside, she looks like she is coping ok, but looking deep into her eyes, I can sense sadness.
As I am writing this, tears starts welling on my eye. I miss you very much Emily.
I once heard this story about how black can becomes white. A thing that is wrong can be turned into something right because there is such a thing called grey. If you allow white to mix with black and you add it slowly, soon it will become grey. And when its grey, one day it will become white.
Just like my situation, what is unfair to me and Emily, bit by bit , the story has changed to such that I'm the monster and Emily has to be taken away from me. Black has become grey and now, it has become white. If I don't tell my side of story and let Emily understand, all will be forgotten. What was once black is permanantly white.
I'm 35 this year and Emily is 8 - born in the year of dragon. People always say that children born in the year of dragon is special. At first I did not believe this but seeing Emily now, I believe it. She is very smart and observant. And she is very obedient. Much more mature than a 8 year old. Everytime I think of Emily, a whole range of emotion swept over me. No child deserve to go through what she has gone through. But I don't know how she is feeling. On the outside, she looks like she is coping ok, but looking deep into her eyes, I can sense sadness.
As I am writing this, tears starts welling on my eye. I miss you very much Emily.
I once heard this story about how black can becomes white. A thing that is wrong can be turned into something right because there is such a thing called grey. If you allow white to mix with black and you add it slowly, soon it will become grey. And when its grey, one day it will become white.
Just like my situation, what is unfair to me and Emily, bit by bit , the story has changed to such that I'm the monster and Emily has to be taken away from me. Black has become grey and now, it has become white. If I don't tell my side of story and let Emily understand, all will be forgotten. What was once black is permanantly white.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
